Monthly Archives: January 2014

Stand Up

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Beaten and battered,

weathered and torn,

tossed up and thrown around,

In my life’s storm.

 

I’m being pulled in every direction,

By forces for only my eyes to see,

I’m going to explode into a thousand pieces,

If they do not let go of me.

 

The devil tempts me,

My hormones want to strike out,

Angels sing to me,

‘just shut up!’ I want to shout.

 

I want to be myself!

Give me a break!

Cut me some slack at least!

I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

Pressure weighs on me,

Like im holding everyone up except my own needs,

So like a follower,

I find myself on my knees.

 

So I stand! Stand up!

Knock it all off your shoulders,

Once that weight is gone I feel lighter!

And so much bolder.

 

Instead of carrying people,

I shall hold their hand,

I’ll guide them to learn their own lessons,

So together we stand.

 

I let go of those hands tearing me apart,

And not struggle anymore but accept them as me,

My faults, my quirks and my goodness,

Can shine through the smile only made for people to see.

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Bad Days

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When people say, “If your day is hard, wait for better days,” I honestly don’t believe that. Do they just expect me to sit in a corner and wait until my problems are solved for me? Of course not. If the world knocks you down off that high horse, get on your feet and leave the damn horse behind. Don’t keep the things in your life that is just going to knock you off again!

We all have bad days, and my past few days have not been easy. I got released yesterday after 3months and a half months in the hospital for the fourth time. And most people say, “I’m so happy for you!! You’re finally home!” Yes I am happy to be home, but people don’t realise how hard it is for me to transition to being home. It’s a completely different environment. I don’t remember what I did at home anymore, so I’m a sitting duck. I don’t know how to talk to my sisters, because I’m used to dealing with people three times my age. When they insult me or tease me, I get offended because I’m still building up my armor.

So yes, I’m having a bad day, and on top of that I have a bad cold. I cant take Advil because I take other medication (I did once anyway though). I guess I’m limping without my horse now, but if I keep my head up, no matter how hard it is, my wounds will scab over. The reason I wrote this is to say to put it all in perspective, yes, you’re having a bad day, no, every day will not be like this, eventually, with the right motivation, you can get through this.  

Bad days don’t have to last forever, just as long as you let them be.

 

 

Faith

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To all the people who have felt. Owned a bitter ache in their chest in a heart too big for the rib cage that holds it. Held on to hope so tight that it left angry burns on your hands. Screamed so loud that you throat is raw and bleeding. Ran so hard to escape the truth your feet are sore and blistered. Cried your own oceans of salty tears.

I applaud you.

Not only that, but I understand you.

You wouldn’t know though, because pain tends to isolate you into your own cage of the sub-conscious mind. Stripping away the support and hands reaching out to rescue you. We punish ourselves into a subconscious suicide, suffering until either our body and minds cave.

I wouldn’t call life a road we follow, I call it a desert. Too many different directions and choices to make. Too easy to veer off course. Never sure if you’ve already been there, making circles. An endless assault of weather pummeling into you, beating you down. No footprints to follow, your own disappearing into the depths of the sand. Craving that place that has been promised to you after your suffering, yet you’ve never seen it. Possibly not even there.

Do I believe in God? The God surmounted on top of everything, watching us? I pray yo him every night. Does that mean im sure? No. Does this mean that i dont have faith that he exists? Hell no.

I’m like everyone else, looking for comfort, reassurance. Prayer helps me achieve that. I don’t know why. I haven’t even been baptised, and I’m sure that I ever will. I just tinker with the image of it.

Sometimes I believe I am unworthy.

Scratch that, I believe that I’ll do it, and then ill have this huge commitment to fore fill. I’m pathetically afraid of making a commitment that I might not keep. But I suppose faith is something that you believe in that has no complete, solid proof that its there. You cant have faith in science, because its been proven. Religion is faith. Doesn’t matter what religion, as long as you believe its there. Everyone has faith in something, whether they know it or not.

So when someone says, “I have nothing,” say “Find your faith.”

Fallen Angel

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For I am as slick as blood,

As white as a porcelain doll,

As hollow as a box,

And I have secrets to tell all.

 

I have no love in my heart,

Nor light from the day,

I’m cursed to stay forever on earth,

Where the oak, polished casket where my corpse lays.

 

My delicate fingers intertwine with each other,

Covering my heart but finding no sound,

My curved, smooth body showing no emotion,

My plush red lips making neither smile nor frown.

 

My long, wavy brunette hair as soft as fresh grass,

Falls in waves over my head,

Where I rest on the finest velvet,

That is staining scarlet where I’ve bled.

 

My lips are dipped in poison,

Haunting your every nightmare and dream,

Soul that comes out of the blazing fire where I was born,

with no hope to be redeem.

 

I am neither good nor evil,

I’m an angel that has fallen from the sky,

I belong to neither heaven nor hell,

For in both places I’ve been denied.

 

If you try to escape me,

You will not be able,

For I am a immortal being you should fear most,

A Fallen Angel.

 

*I found this poem in my poetry book marked The second of april, 2011

 

UP

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A part of me died with my past,

A hidden sorrow buried deep within my pores,

Beating down my willpower and strength,

Until I am on the cold floor.

 

My hands are shackled down from the pain I have endured,

Scars both physical and mental, their pain still flesh and raw,

I have been both the victim and the guilty of my pain,

The mirror pointing out my every flaw.

 

My past burns at my core,

An agony only my eyes can see,

Tearing away present happiness and darkening the future,

Until my pain is what’s all that’s left of me.

 

If people could see all that I have been through,

Would they feel pity?  Remorse? Sorrow?

Or will they be rejected? Disgusted?

Breaking my delicate shell that has gone hollow?

 

Can they see the tears?

That has dried on my face like glass?

Shielding me from a world that I cannot handle,

A barrier of the people I have outcast.

 

If people could understand my pain,

Could accept my negative frown,

Could carry me through the day,

And pick me up when I am down.

 

Could then the shackles break loose?

Could they fill my cup?

Could I fly away with wings of freedom then?

So I’ll have nowhere to go but up. Read the rest of this entry

Eagle

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Water bleeds from the bloated clouds,

Thunder rolls and lighting sounds,

I take it all in with wide eyes,

As the storm rages and my innocence die,

I cannot be heard on top of the merciless roar,

I am shivering as the storm rocks my core,

I’m shaken,

Reawaken,

As I finally see,

The ugliest storm that lies in front of me,

Cruel and ugly and rotten as the devil’s breath,

Wondering if there is any sun left,

I scream and cry foul,

But my voice is drowned out by the storm’s ugly howl,

I struggle and fight what I already lost,

My delicate innocence shattered by frost,

I am hurdled and pummeled like a small feather,

That is no match for this dreadful weather,

From that feather I must sprout more,

Grow into an eagle so I can ride the storm.

Think Twice and Earn It

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Earn everything you receive, and feel the full glory of everything you have and know that it is truly yours forever.

How many times in life have we been given something and never appreciated it to its full potential? Too many for things in life that are too valuable are wasted like that. Like responsibility and workmanship, when we are just handed everything we want and never have to work for it. It gives us laziness to miss-care for our things and not appreciates what we have.

We grow in a world where it is just too easy to make those mistakes and take the easier way for everything. Now, we don’t think twice about the things we have, from something as simple as water in our wells that comes from the tap. Now think twice about it, appreciate it and earn it. Because maybe one day, you might not have that fresh water streaming out of your tap.

Lies

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                Confessions, how many can you make about yourself? I’m sure you have a graveyard in your closet. And I am no different. I’ve made just as many mistakes and have just as many things to regret as all of you. How many things can I tell you before you just tired of all my stupid decisions? All my faults, habits and lies that stains my road with regret.

                                             

   

   

How many lies can you tell     without letting some slip out?

   

                     Telling a lie is like putting on an extra piece of clothing, it keeps you warm when your cold and in need of it. But as you kept putting all those layers of clothing on, soon you’re going to be too hot. Soon, you’re going to sweat. Eventually you’ll have to strip down all those layers you put painstakingly on and expose the truth in all your nude embarrassment and glory.

          How can you stop from telling a lie? Even though the truth seems so much harder at the time? When you’re too embarrassed or afraid of the judgemental thoughts of the family, friends and strangers around you? You break it down, play out the pros and cons of what you’re are doing. Think about how yes, it might be horrible to tell them the truth now and lie seems to be easier, but then admit to yourself it will be worse if the find out later about the truth and you lose their trust over a lie. After, think that even though your truth might be horrible, chances are those people around you are having just as bad in their life.

          The truth hurts, but lies keep us apart, the hurt makes us stronger, while the lies tear us apart.

Welcome

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I am beginning this blog for advice and comfort through the hardship of life. I will be also answer questions about anything you want to talk about. Completely anonymous if you please. and over time, I will share my struggles to you if you like, so maybe you can relate. This is from The Heart of Life